it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
