Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
