new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
