New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
