He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
