He told me they were just razor bumps!
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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