I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
