nut hugger
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
