I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
