I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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