And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
