Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
