Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
