are you so shy because you have an std?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
