I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
