Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
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