Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
