he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
