I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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