so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
