I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
