It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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