I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
