i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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