Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
