So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
