my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
