i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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