I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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