I heard we made out
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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