If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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