when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize