Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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