im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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