he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
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