Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
