There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
It's just like the Real World with babies
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
