I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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