The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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