Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
A+ Viking dick
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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