chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
