2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Im part way to drunk.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
