did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
