Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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