Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
