I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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