Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
