I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
