I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
