I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
