I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
