You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
