God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Come back. Shots need mouths.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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