Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
