I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
