Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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