P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
