Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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