i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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