Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
